The magic and wonder of procreation
When you’re very actively trying to conceive, you quickly learn all about the various fertility aids that are available to assist you. One of the most common of these is the Ovulation Predictor Kit, or OPK — a stick you pee on that tells you when you’re about to ovulate. People with regular cycles have a pretty good idea of when they should start to use these each month, and they usually get a positive within a few days. If you’re like me, and you have infinitely long, completely inscrutable cycles, you just have to keep peeing and peeing and peeing and hope one day to get a surprise.
Because I use so many of these, I buy ultra cheap ones off the internet. These are just little strips, not the fancy and convenient “mid-stream” cartridges, so they have to be dipped into a cup of urine. I keep a plastic cup in the bathroom just for this purpose, and I hope none of you has recently spent the night at our house and tried to get a glass of water in the night.
It is with this background that I describe one of the more dispiriting yet hilarious moments in this odyssey so far:
In our smallish bathroom, directly across from the toilet we have one of these “seven-drawer solutions” — basically just a plastic stand with several vertical drawers. The top drawer is mine, and it is stuffed with an astounding amount of stuff, including the aforementioned plastic cup. Last week I opened the drawer, got out the cup, and did my business into it as usual.
When I finished, I went to place the cup on the vanity opposite me, but I had some sort of spatial relations failure and kind of hit the bottom of the cup onto the lip of the open drawer with a decent amount of momentum, thereby tipping the entire (remarkably full!) cup of steaming pee into the drawer and all over its contents.
Matt and I had just been about to go out to do errands, and I was forced to tell him that he’d have to go without me, because I had to stay home and mop up about a half pint of urine from our personal toiletries. He is still finding reasons to make fun of me about that multiple times a day.
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